ERB Presidential Rap Verses, Ranked
Presidential debates have become pretty awful, so now this is the best we've got
We’re back again! Hopefully for good this time. I’m looking to write more pieces that aren’t the deep analyses that take forever to research and put together—this is our starting point with this new, unserious (nonchalant?) style. Don’t think I’m giving up on the old content, though—I’ll try to review all of 2024’s major releases before the end of the year arrives, starting with CHROMAKOPIA this weekend.
With that said, today’s topic is the legendary Epic Rap Battles of History: YouTube throwdowns between the world’s most recognizable faces. As you may know, it’s tradition for the ERB channel to produce a rap version of the presidential debate leading up to every American election—they’ve done it without fail for the last four cycles (with varying success, as we’ll later see). Tonight, I take on the daunting task of attempting to rank every single one of them—funnily enough, I’ll be looking at the same metrics as I do for my regular reviews (flow, lyricism, energy, etc.)
DISCLAIMER: This is OBVIOUSLY not evaluating the merits of any candidate’s policies or attacks. If it was, this list would look a lot different. I am considering each verse in the context of their candidate’s politics, so if it’s a compelling expression of their platform, I will rank it high—even if that platform itself isn’t compelling.
Without further ado, let’s start with:
11. Teddy Roosevelt (2024)
ERB’s introduction of Abraham Lincoln into the battles of 2012 and 2016 will forever be iconic—his verse represents the frustration of a sensible onlooker with the broken state of American politics. His raw, unfiltered anger about having to choose between the “lesser of two turds” perfectly captures the fury many Americans feel in the same situation and acts as a great closer to a heated battle.
However, Teddy Roosevelt is everything Abe Lincoln is not. He smiles and makes weird faces multiple times in the middle of what’s supposed to be an indignant rant. Just look at the corny pose he strikes as he closes the verse—completely out of place for the feeling these closing verses are meant to capture. Worst of all, perhaps, is the daytime cartoon-sounding beat he has to rap over, complete with literal bells and whistles that just make this entire performance sound unserious. It sounds like he’s giving the candidates a friendly reminder instead of actually talking sense into them.
RATING: 5/10
BEST BAR: “Try not to slide democracy straight to Chapter 11!”
10. Kamala Harris (2024)
This placement is just as disappointing to me as it is to you, as I think Kamala is the best-played character out of any presidential candidate in ERB history. The voice, cadence, and her mannerisms are scarily accurate to her true self—so it’s an absolute shame how many punches they pulled in this botched verse.
This entire 2024 battle honestly falls short because of how low-energy and slow the beat is—we’re here for a rap showdown, not to listen to Sing About Me, I’m Dying of Thirst. Both rappers’ flows are pretty awful, and it’s not a particularly large gap between her and Trump—but the fact that she rhymes “hopeful” with “hopeful” (with no double entendre, unlike Trump), and Biden’s entrance is so random and jarring.
Some hard-hitting bars could definitely make up for this, but unfortunately, the ERB writers went for the softest angles of attack on Trump. Just eight years ago, Hillary dropped the incredible verse about his sexual abuses, followed up by Joe Biden’s 200,000 deaths line during the next election—now, the best we can really think of is insulting Trump’s bowels and JD Vance’s beard?
RATING: 6/10
BEST BAR: “From documents to pedos, you spend too much time with files.”
9. Donald Trump (2024)
Not at all far behind Kamala’s 2024 travesty is her Republican equivalent. He suffers from the same roadblocks of an awful beat, but it’s honestly compounded for his verse, since he’s noticeably less energetic than in his 2016 and 2020 appearances. If this is intentional to reference Trump’s real-life cognitive decline, I would certainly applaud that—but it doesn’t make for a good rap verse at all.
I will say that Trump’s flow is marginally better, but it doesn’t make a huge difference—his pauses to stay on beat are painstakingly long, and the sing-song delivery of lines like “your inflation’s got our nation’s clippin’ coupons” just sounds unserious. What takes him over Kamala are a few stronger lines: the “mugshot” and “diss abilities” wordplay, for example, and much more direct character attacks than the incredibly weak angles that Kamala took on him.
RATING: 6/10
BEST BAR: “Hope you wear makeup in Ohio, ‘cause they’re eating the dogs!”
8. Donald Trump (2020)
A mere shell of his 2016 verse is the “DJT’s” 2020 performance. This verse is so much less exhilarating, his attack material is noticeably weaker than Biden’s, and he spends a significant chunk of his time bragging about nonsensical things (yeah, you’re married to a supermodel, so what? Biden’s literally accusing you of being in bed with pedophiles), a far cry from the grand tone that made his 2016 appearance so exciting.
But this verse, unlike much of the 2024 battle, still has some great redeeming qualities to it. There are catchy one-liners (“Ain’t nothing gonna beat me! No person, woman, man, camera, TV!”) and the beat is markedly more exciting. His second verse is also slightly reminiscent of his masterful 2016 performance, manifesting himself as the voice of the right wing and their emphasis on maintaining order. Unfortunately, it’s ultimately just forgettable compared to the rest of the verses on this list.
RATING: 6/10
BEST BAR: “I’m not a little girl’s shoulders, so you can’t touch this, MC Stammer!”
7. Mitt Romney (2012)
This is the point that separates the meh verses from the actually good performances. Every candidate onward is cutthroat with their attacks, aggressive in their flow, and powerful with their words. Starting with Mitt Romney, we see a pretty compelling attack on Barack Obama’s office track record and policies. He plays the businessman role very convincingly, embracing his use of big dollars to win the election. He also has a pretty amazing flip on Obama’s 47 percent line!
What Mitt misses on is that a lot of the time, the verses are pretty self-depreciating (“I’m not gonna let this battle be dictated by facts?” What?) and the delivery is a bit over-aggressive to how he is in real life (the portrayal is pretty inaccurate, but that’s not something ERB can do much about since they can’t change how their actors look). It’s also pretty obvious that although ERB was great at coming up with one-liners, they were still mastering their writing as a whole.
RATING: 7/10
BEST BAR: “Been no change and we’re all still hoping that you’ll shut your mouth, but like Guantanamo Bay, they’re both open.”
6. Barack Obama (2012)
Slightly ahead of Mitt Romney is Barack Obama. He hits on all the same points where Mitt worked (great flow, great material, etc.) but two things elevate him slightly:
First, his actor’s impression is just infinitely better than Romney’s actor’s. Obama is another masterfully recreated politician—second only to Kamala Harris’s ERB version. He captures Obama’s real-life voice, tone, and cadence perfectly.
Secondly, his lyricism is just immensely better. From the opening line about Mitt’s father to the crazy “First, Second, and Third Lady” closer, Barack’s bars are just beautiful all-around. He delivers them in a far catchier way as well, with his vocals and flow in the “Republicans need a puppet and you fit” segment being great.
RATING: 7/10
BEST BAR: “Got their hands so far up your rear, call you Mitt!”
5. Abraham Lincoln (2016)
Bringing back Abe for the 2016 election was a smart and timely move. Echoing the same sentiment he expressed in 2012, the first Republican president captures the anger and exasperation that served as exigence for his previous verse. Given the 2016 election’s context and what was going on in the actual debates, his lines sound like genuine concern for what might happen should either of them win.
What puts this behind his 2012 appearance is that reusing the same gimmick with him 4 years later significantly decreases the shock value and emotional impact of a surprise verse from him—which is why I’m glad they decided not to bring him back for 2020 (though, I think 2024 might have been a lot better with him instead of Teddy).
Something that it honestly does better, though, is switching up the beat when he appears—I think this is a great indicator of a tone and messaging shift absent from 2012. There’s been a lot of talk, though about Lincoln’s 2012 verse thus far in this post—it’s about time we get to it, so let’s do that now.
RATING: 8/10
BEST BAR: “Here’s an equal opportunity smack down in the sequel, that’s of the people, by the people, for the people, EAGLE!”
4. Abraham Lincoln (2012)
This surprise verse does everything right. It justifies its own existence with its rightful indignation over the state of American politics, puts each candidate in their place, showing that they’re nothing but the lesser of two evils (“shiniest of two turds”), and gives them genuine advice on how they can save themselves from dooming the entire country with their antics.
Further, Lincoln juxtaposes himself and politics during his time against how America is currently working—both implicitly and explicitly (with the reference to fighting for what he believed in)—in a manner that absolutely ridicules the questionably-motivated politicians of the modern era.
Finally, soaring in and out of the battle on an eagle as a manifestation of the American ideal is just beautiful (with maximum aura) and is a perfect way to bring back Lincoln’s character from his earlier battle.
RATING: 9/10
BEST BAR: “I fought for what was on my brain until a bullet went through it!”
3. Hillary Clinton (2016)
The top three verses are the absolute cream of the crop, and I think they can honestly be arranged in any order based on a subjective view of their content (apart from the first one, which I believe is pretty clearly the best). Each line in these verses hits you (and its target) right in the face, each criticism is scathing, and to top it all off, the beat in this 2016 edition (and to a lesser extent, the 2020 version) is amazing.
I honestly can’t name a flaw in Hillary’s appearance—it’s honestly just outclassed by the next two verses, unfortunately. The production in this battle immediately brings the energy, and Hillary matches that by calling Trump a racist (“man of the people who don’t like turbans”) out of the gate. Unlike the previous battles, at no point does this one feel dull, with a candidate taking a weird pause to flex something about themself that doesn’t matter or throwing out an emotionless one-liner. With every line, you can feel Trump’s reputation crumbling away as Hillary takes all the right and most effective angles of attack on him.
The highlight of this verse is undoubtably the section on Trump’s questionable sexual history and comments. The increasing intensity of each line in this verse until the last bar’s payoff is masterfully done:
How do I say this? You're racist!
Ooh, you must get so pissed that your hands are too small to stop and frisk
So you use your fingers to touch chicks
“She's only 12 years old!” That's enough, shit!
“But she's married, sir!” Just gotta get pushy
“That's your daughter!” Well, grab her by the pussy!
The entire verse is just punch after punch degrading Trump’s character—interestingly enough, Hillary doesn’t say much about his policies, but considering exactly who she’s up against, that move actually works out here. From the very first line to her closer (“I brought Michelle’s speech, borrow some quotes!”) she absolutely destroys Trump, who, amazingly enough, still somehow won the battle—but we’ll talk about him later.
RATING: 10/10
BEST BAR: “‘That's your daughter!’ Well, grab her by the pussy!”
2. Joe Biden (2020)
Someone who had a lot of an easier job than Hillary—as he went up against a significantly weaker Trump—was 2020’s Joe Biden. Similarly to Hillary, he continues flaming Trump for his poor history of character, but after four years of disaster under the Trump administration, he’s able to add a lot of policy critiques into his arsenal.
Biden might have the greatest opening line of any ERB presidential candidate—using the loss of loved ones to simultaneously strengthen himself and discredit Trump is absolutely amazing lyricism. He doesn’t pull back after that, either—though the beat is noticeably weaker to the one Hillary and Trump were blessed with in 2016, that doesn’t hold him back at all, as his aggressive energy absolutely carries both his first and his second verse. Both his closers (“You’re fired!” and “Will you shut up, man?”) linger in my head after they’re long gone.
Biden’s highlight is clearly his flow and lyricism on this section of his second verse:
From all your wives to the SATs
Everything you ever did, you just had to cheat
‘Cause you're too insecure to even look like a loser
You’re the worst damn Republican since Herbert Hoover
But you scooped up a sycophantic, homophobe Hoosier
Then became the Constitution's domestic abuser
The last four lines pull off a crazy rhyme scheme and quick flow to deliver one of the harshest multi-layered attacks in any of these battles. Biden’s performance was probably the hardest one to pick a best line out of, so I just want to put some honorable mentions here, because I think the lyricism truly stands out more in this appearance than anyone else’s on the list:
The pain of losing loved ones is something I have seen
So I know how you must have felt when they killed Jeffrey Epstein
But you tapped into the rage of Red Mad Hatters
Well, let me tell you, Trump, all lies matter
No matter what you try to say, global warming ain’t cancelled
You pulled out of Paris, should have pulled out of Stormy Daniels
RATING: 10/10
BEST BAR: “200,000 deaths lying at your door, and you think they’re suckers like McCain and the Marine Corps!”
1. Donald Trump (2016)
This verse should be placed into history textbooks everywhere as a case study in how right-wing populism is so effective. As soon as Donald dives into his minority-slamming rant on the economy, Democratic failures, and his own grand ambitions, it feels like you’re transported into the crowd at one of his rallies. I don’t remember any actual Republican advocacy compelling me, a Democrat, harder than the second half of this one verse—it honestly explains why he has such a large cult following.
Just like Hillary, Donald comes right out of the gate swinging (“your rhymes are trash, put ‘em next to your emails”) and never ceases his scathing burns after that. He has some of the harshest criticisms from any Republican (well, basically the harshest criticisms out of his three appearances and Mitt Romney) and has more energy here than he does in 2016 and 2020 combined.
But his attacks aren’t actually where this verse shines—that happens in the entire segment following it, where he outlines his almost empire-like vision for America while the sounds of an immense crowd cheering play in the background. The beauty of this verse is that while ERB always makes their characters exaggerated in their aggression to how they would be in real life, Donald Trump is just such a wild outlier in politics that you could reasonably believe he would say everything he spits out in this verse in real life—all the way down to the n-word fakeout at the end.
They want a strong male leader, who can stand up to China
Not a crooked little wishy-washy bleeding heart vagina
I'm gonna run these streets like I run my casinos
More police and less Latinos!
While you bury us in debt buying poor people socks
I'll create jobs tearing down mosques
Then I'll use all the best rocks from the site to build a wall
Dip it in gold and make Mexico pay for it all
I'll make this country great again
We'll all be living large
I'll tell Congress you're fired and put Charles in charge
'Cause this whole system's rigged and we all know the riggers
For the last eight years, this country's been run by-
This verse just beautifully captures the essence of Trump’s anti-establishment, grand populist political platform and explains exactly why it’s so compelling. I would never have expected something out of ERB to help me understand a political process—but the masterful lyricism of this verse is almost a microcosm of Trump’s political appeal.
RATING: 10/10
BEST BAR: “Let me just say, I respect all females, but your rhymes are trash—put 'em next to your emails.”